Nodeadenz

Ok here I go again,I lost my password to my�previous account. So I just used the same name with a different spelling.� Wow much has changed but much is the same. CPS is still in my business "like a wendy interview". It has been four years. I cant believe it myself sometimes.��

The worker the kids have now is ok for the most part, however she can get a bit nosy. Inquiring about how I pay my bills, do I have help (like a boyfriend or� something). Shit I wish this were the case. I want someone nice for my children. A positive role model, not a father. Although their father's aint worth the tissue each of them wipe their ass on they're� father's just the same. Everytime I think I have met someone I can build something with, it goes to shit. One was married and allegedly divorcing his wife of 11yrs. Then there's Eli who cant accept no or my terms for friendship. He always wants�more. I cant see myself committing to a man who believes and says that Iam easy.�He has these ideas about who Iam what Iam and how I should live my life. Why are men who are domineering attracted to me? Perhaps they think they can break my spirit? NEVER! Hmmm, let me see oh yeah, tony called me out of the blue� last night. He wanted to hook up, of course I was tempted to take him up on his offer. Remembering what we did....hmmm�good� god almighty he is blessed.�That's all I�will say about that. . At this time in my life I need more, substance. Which he isnt offering. He's now aware of how I feel about him. I had to spell it out! I told tony I had a boyfriend, yet he doesnt care. He wants me, end of conversation. I must've struck a nerve, cause he got real quiet then said ok beth. That was it. If it werent for the fact that Iam trying to behave myself� IDk what would have transpired.� I need to be close to a man, well not just any man of course. One� that� has a mutual attraction,is single and prepared step out of his comfort zone. Yes Iam a christian, however I have needs. And lots of wants lol. I ponder whether there is someone that is designed specifically for me. I just want to be loved as well as accepted. Is this too much? comprimising is fine but I refuse to altar my entire being to please or pacify. Although on many levels I feel unworthy of attention, intimacy,also adoration yet I� crave it. Is there anyone out there for me? Or�am I just wasting� energy that could be used doing something more gratifying?�