Nodeadenz

May 2012
6:22 AM CST

im on one

most days I dont want to wake up, and deal with the bullsihit that will enuse. My kids dont respect me, my husband is absent and my job is getting on my one good nerve. For real I need an outlet for all the stuff that is going on. Dj doesnt want to go to education and smokes weed damn near all day. I dont get him, and Isaiah needs to� be gone. I just tolerate him. My life is out of control and no one gives a� fuck until i do somethng drastic. Tried to talk to the pastor but she is busy with her own life understandably so. Cant talk to john, he doesnt get me, and most of the time he is checked out. He believes Iam either stupid or naiive neither is the case. He constantly ask me about other men if there are any, but when I ask him pointed questions he hesitates or attempts to avoid the question. He is lying and I know it, he asserts that he isnt wearing his ring because� I dont wear one. yeah ok. but I have never worn one so that doesnt fly with me. It's never his fault that he hit me, cause according to him it wasnt that serious. Its not his fault that I had to get an order of protection either, its me and my kids fault that he is abusive all according to him. what the fuck did he think was going to happen? I see him at this point just someone stave off the� boredom. yeah we talk and fuck maybe once a week but thats about it. Nothing of substance� transpire btwn us, I mean nothing gets resolved, there is no plan for his returning home. Truthfully I dont believe he wants to be here, because then he would have to man up and be accountable. He enjoys running the streets, being irresponsible and broke. He isnt dependable at all. Iam reconsidering this situation this isnt a marriage its a situation.

�I am not saying he is totally at fault however at this stage Iam weighing my options. I see things and people I may possibly want to pursue. But first I have to deal with this. There are men out there who not only consider me beautiful and would love to take care of me and my kids. I have met such men. when I explain that Iam married but living single, they� want to know why I put up with this shit.
Not sure why I continue this charade. I need something he possibly cant give me after all he never has... I am tired now, what have I done in these past two years? Feel like I've wasted my time, my mom says often forget that nigga go on with your life. Perhaps she is right.

hmmm what am I doing ? what have I accomplished with him, nothing not a damn fucking thing. The sex is wack sometimes� I just fake it to please him. Wont be doing that anymore
� same ol' same ol', he says its because I dont want to try anything different. I do have hangups about sex but that aint it. Sexually I am not feeling him and havent in a long time. Whoever he is fucking� I hope she is happy cause he dont do much for me in the bedroom.

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Username: NoDeadenz

Gender / Age: Male, 21

Location: USA - New York

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