������ I am so fuckin tired of not having money. First we don't have enough to pay for the house, which I have come to terms with and accepted that we're gonna have to move. Now we have to cancel everything cause my mom broke her foot and her doctor is charging the maximum permited by law. So pretty much everytime she goes to the doctor (once every two weeks) she has to pay $200 plus the cost of x-rays. So it may sound selfish but I'm mostly upset about loosing my cell phone. And I'll explain that. I'm in cyber school so I don't get to see people every day and she wants to turn the home phone off too. The only reason we have internet is because I'm in cyber school and they pay for it. On top of that I can't go on most public sites because they are blocked. So it's not like I could talk to my friends on Myspace or somethin like that and my mom has yelled at my best friend enough that she won't just stop over here and I don't feel right just stopping over there because not only is that weird and kinda stalkerish but they're not there most of the time. She normally goes to school, goes home changes, goes to work, and then goes home and goes to bed. So for us to hang out there has to be communication and that can't happen if I don't have a phone. But my mom said that she's gonna keep my phone. She has her own phone but she said shes just gonna keep mine. You know I knew that I wouldn't have friends for long but I just wish the deciding factor wasn't money. Whatever it's over.
She thinks that I don’t see her look at me with disgust and disappointment. I’m not exactly sure how much longer I’m gonna be able to keep my temper. I’ve tried to explain to her the severity of my mood swings. I think she thinks I’m exaggerating. I’m not! I get so angry sometimes that I can feel myself loosing control. I can feel the hatred running rampant through my veins and I’m afraid that one of these times it’s gonna reach my heart and I’m gonna loose it. I personally wouldn’t want to be around when that happens. Mostly because I’ve seen my thoughts…I don’t think anyone would be safe. Then I control myself just in time I think that if I didn’t this would have been over a long time ago. The result of my control is my self loathing process that includes the deep sadness of being as disgusted and disappointed in myself as I know she is. Don’t get me wrong I have my ups. They don’t often feel real. I feel like I’m somebody else watching this normal teenage girl actually being happy. Then I hear myself and the anger making its way to the surface and reality kicks in. So if you think about it my ups aren’t real. They’re a front, a mask of normalcy so people don’t get too involved in my real life. I’m regressing now. I used to be able to keep up a good front no one thought anything and were actually surprised when I revealed some truth but now it’s almost obvious. Of course they don’t know the exact truth. Hell, I’m not sure I even do. But they know how angry I am and how sick and twisted my mind can be. I think it worries some people but they blow it off to the normal cynical, dark minded teenage stage that everyone goes through. Little do they know this has been in me for quite sometime. I’m so angry that even my hormonally triggered fantasies are violent. They of course aren’t like corpses and blood but they are teetering on masochistic. The part that’s worse than the situation itself is that nobody knows. Not even the people that I actually care about.
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