DEPRESSED. THAT'S HOW I FEEL TODAY. WHY? LET'S SEE:
1. I'M $15,000.00 IN CREDIT CARD DEBT!
2. MY MARRIAGE IS IN DIAR NEED OF REPAIR, WHICH I'M HAPPY TO SAY WE ARE WORKING ON BUT THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT JUST CAN'T BE AGREED ON WHICH TAINTS THE REST, FOR ME ANYWAY.
3 I DON'T HAVE ASTEADY JOB BECAUSE HUBBY WANTSME TO WORK WITH HIM AND HELP HIM WITH HIS BUSINESS SO I DON'T HAVE A STEADY INCOME. I WORK A FEW HOURS A WEEK UNDER THE TABLE BUT THAT'S IT.
4. I'M OUT OFSHAPE.
5. MY SELF ESTEEM IS AT AN ALL TIME LOW.
6. I FEEL VERY ALONE. I HAVE DAUGHTER AND HUBBY BUT NO PARENTS, NO BROTHERS OR SISTERS.
7. I FEEL LIKE A BURDEN TO HUBBY JUST BY THINGS HE'S SAID.
8. I HAVE TOO MUCH SCATTERED ENERGY. CAN'T FOCUS ON ANYTHING.
9. I HAVE NO MOTIVATION.
10. I HAVE NO GOALS, AMBTIONS AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET MYSELF MOTIVATED TO HAVE THEM.
WELL I JUST WOKE UP FROM A DREAM. A DREAM THAT WAS REAL EVERYTHING IN MY DREAM WAS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING TO HUBBY DURING OUR LAST 50 FIGHTS. "I WILL CONTINUE TO WORK ON CHANGING ME BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I WILL WORK ON HELPING YOU CHANGE YOU!" THE DREAM WAS OF HIM AND I, I BELIEVE AT HOME, AND MY AUNT THAT I'M CLOSE TO, ALONG WITH MY DEAD GRAMMIE (MY MOTHER'S MOTHER) CAME TO VISIT. EVERYTHING WAS GOOD AND WE ALL WERE LAUGHING AND TALKING ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND OUT OF THE BLUE MY HUBBY SAID SOMETHING LIKE - WELL NOW I CANT REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID BUT IT WAS SOMETHING VERY MEAN. HE THEN WALKED OFF. I RAN AFTER HIM AND HE WAS IN A SMALL ROOM (MAYBE A BATHROOM) AND HE HAD THIS SMIRK ON HIS (ACTUALLY HE LOOOKED DOWNRIGHT HAPPY) AND I SAID, "WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" HE SAID, "WELL YOU GOT A LOT OF GOOD POINTS WHEN WE WERE TALKING LAST NIGHT AND SO I WANTED TO GET YOU BACK." I WAS LIKE WHAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HERE I THINK WE'RE FIXING STUFF AND YOU GO AND DO THAT? I JUST FREAKED. I WAS LIKE, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IF YOU DON'T STOP TORTURING ME WITH YOU WORDS AND UNKINDNESS TO ME i'M LEAVING??? I'M TAKING MAKAYLA AND WE'RE MOVING OUT? I AM NOT GOING TO CONTINUE TO LIVE LIKE THIS AND YOU BETTER STOP! THEN I GOT RIGHT IN HIS FACE AND LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYES TO MAKE SURE THAT HE HEARD ME AND SAID, "DO YOU SEE MY EYES?? LOOK AT THEM! DO I LOOK LIKE I'M KIDDING OR JUST TALKING??" HUBBY SAID, "SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE NOW?" I SAID, "NO BUT IF YOU DON'T STOP IT'LL WILL BE VERY SOON!" I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE AND I WON'T. I DON'T DESERVE THIS AND IT'S ENOUGH!" I STARTED TO LEAVE THE ROOM AND WAS GOING DOWN THIS LONG FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND HE PUSHED ME. RIGHT THEN I SAW HIS SISTER COMING TOWARDS THE STAIRCASE FROM BELOW AND SHE JUST LOOKED AT US. NEVER SAID FOR HUBBY TO STOP OR WHAT'S GOING ON OR NOTHING AND I REMEMBER THINKING, HE COULD KILL ME AND THEY WON'T SAY A WORD TO HIM. WELL AS I WAS FALLING INTO THE STAIRCASE RAILING AND TRYING TO GRAB ON I TURNED TO HIM AND STARTED CRYING AND YELLING, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? OR SOMETHING TO THAT AFFECT. I WOKE UP RIGHT THEN. WOW WHAT A TERRIBLE DREAM BUT IT'S ACTUALLY LIKE ALOT OF OUR FIGHTS. THINGS CAN BE GOING GOOD AND THEN WOW, OUT OF THE BLUE, HE'LL MAKE A REMARK THAT SENDS ME REELING. HIS EXCUSE IS THAT HE HOLDS STUFF IN UNTIL HE EXPLODES.
OUR DAUGHTER IS AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND SO WE SPENT ALOT OF TIME TALKING LAST NIGHT BEFORE WE WENT TO THE MOVIES AND EVERYTHING WAS GOOD. WE HAD A GOOD TIME, SOME LAUGHS AND REALLY ENJOYED EACH OTHERS COMPANY SO I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAD TO DREAM THIS DREAM. MAYBE I'M AFRAID IT WON'T LAST. THE FIGHTING AND THE RUDE COMMENTS WILL COME BACK? I DON'T KNOW. ALSO, I DON'T KNOW WHY MY DECEASED GRANDMOTHER WAS IN THE DREAM AND WHY HIS SISTER, AS I WAS ALMOST FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS, DIDN'T SAY SOMETHING. IN REALITY I'M SURE SHE WOULD HAVE, OR AT LEAST I THINK SHE WOULD HAVE. I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT THIS DREAM COULD BE TELLING ME.
ANYWAY, I JUST WANTED TO GET THIS WRITTEN DOWN BEFORE I FORGOT IT. I WISH I COULD REMEMBER WHAT HUBBY HAD SAID IN THE DREAM THAT SET ME OFF. FUNNY WHO I BLOCKED THAT OUT. MAYBE IT'S TRUE AND SOMETHING I NEED TO WORK ON AND IF SO WHY DID I BLOCK IT OUT?
I'LL WRITE MORE LATER.
HEDDA
It's a new year so I decided that I would start writing my thoughts down. Hopefully it will help me heal this broken heart of mine, if nothing else, to see my life and situation in a concrete form. Maybe it will be easier for me to analyze my situation seeing it in writing. I've always wanted to keep a journal but I am so scatter brained that it's hard for me to collect my thoughts and keep them long enough to put them down on paper. It's all so overwhelming to me.
I'm reading this book now call the Sorcer's Crossing and in it the author speaks of recapitalization (going through every event, feeling you've ever experienced in your life and with your breath you release it's hold on you and gain back that energy that was taken during these events.It takes me months sometimes years to read a book. Like writing, reading books takes forever for me due to my lack of focus and scattered energy. I wish it were not that way as I really do enjoy reading.
I would love to be a writer but I just don't have that talent. Not right now anyway. My mother was a writer and my husband writes and so does my 8 year old daughter. I do have a knack with poetry though but I haven't had any poetry come to me in quite some time.
Some things that I write may be embarrassing moments that I remember and other things may be embarassing fears or a confused outlook on things. I was thinking of making this journal private but I feel that I can gain so much more insight into myself and what's actually going on if I share it with you and maybe get some feedback.
Alot that I write will more than likely focus around my relationship with my husband and my relationship with my daughter. Also I will probably mention my aunt whom I'm very close to and a few other people in my life. Also, my religious feelings, past, present and future will send alot of your heads reeling.
So let me just say welcome to the Diary of a Confused Soul.
Blessings.
Hedda
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