I think I must be the dumbest person of earth! Seriously! I gave in. I went back home and let him back in. And I shouldn't have done it so easily but I did. It's hard to let someone you love go and even harder to watch them go down the wrong path. I can't watch him do this and not help him. It's a sad thing really!
Even more sad is the fact that he has the checkbook. I am SO taking them from his truck and his safe when he doesn't know it. I can't have him overdrawing our account all the time because he's not responsible enough or doesn't care enough to check the balance! So now this is the second or third time he has overdrawn our account! How can he do this? Go out and spend it on beer and drugs! It makes me so damn angry! I am stopping direct deposit to that account and putting it into WaMu! Damn it! UUUGGHH! Or maybe I'll open myself up a second account! That is exactly what i'll do! right now! online! later, got stuff to do!
Wow, my life seems to be as bad as a soap opera these days. I don't know what to do about it anymore. Everything is so turned upside down these days and messed up. I feel like a single mother, which is SO NOT easy to do! I admire my mom more and more.
I wish I had some sort of futuristic camera that I could watch and see what would happen with my life depending on which choice I made. I've never been in this position and it is so incredibly hard. What do I do? It would be even better if God would just whisper the answer in my ear and I would know everything would be fine! I would know the right way to go.
My brain tells me to go. That things won't change in the long run. That it'll get better temperarily and then it will all go back to the same stuff. Which, I believe. My brain is right. It is!
But my heart can't let it go. It just can't. It breaks everytime I think about stepping out the door. But it's so wrong! My heart is wrong! And I find that to be harder than anything. Knowing what I should do but not having the courage to do it. What do you do in a situation like this? Where would I go? With my mom? I can't stand living in that house. But my name is at my place. What about all the stuff we have? What happens to me? I'm out alone, with nothing, and Alyssa? That doesn't seem right. Not even a car to get back and forth to work! LOVELY!
I really need some advice. This is such a vague journal entry. But maybe someone can give me some insite on what I have down.
Ooohhh this is so hard!
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