HAPPYPHANTOM1978's Journal

Jun 2007
12:45 PM EST

I dont really know what to do with myself anymore. I try to be strong, I try to think positive, and carry on with some semblance of a daily routine. It just doesnt work. I miss Adam SO much, that I cant even carry on a normal daily regimine. I try to sleep as long, and as much as I possibly can...even then, what sleep I do get is littered with dreams/nightmares that just make me more depressed when I wake. I really dont understand how I got to where I am today. When Adam and I met, we just clicked. I dont know how to explain it, or how to really put it into words. Im not some naive kid who is just going through a bad breakup. I've been in relationships that have lasted over 7 years, and walked away unattached. With Adam, I honestly believe I found my soulmate. He completed me in so many ways, and I the same for him. It was like the missing piece of my heart and soul was finally intact...life couldn't get any better. Dont get me wrong, there are problems in every relationship...and we had our fair share early on. We made it over and through every obstacle though. Adam just deals with problems in completely the wrong way. He runs, he hides, he lies. I know he loves me with all his heart, and only wants to be with me...I really dont doubt that at all. I know he suffers from depression, and an extremely low self-esteem. He thinks his family doesnt love him, and everything he does is wrong. I've tried to be there for him, in every way I possibly can. I've stood beside him through all of his trials, i've fought for him, and carried him when he was weak. He has told me time and time again that I am the only thing that makes him happy in life, that when hes with me everything else doesnt matter...all focus is on me. Yet, when he freaks out and gets really depressed, im the first thing he pushes away. He says he makes too many mistakes. I just dont understand anything he does. I dont blame him for everything...I honestly think he needs help. He wont get it though, he claims he can handle the problem on his own. We havent really talked for almost 2 weeks...the last time we talked he told me that we would never see eachother, or talk to eachother again. That he was done, and moving on. He has said this all before, and he came back all by himself. I dont really take to heart anything he says, although I admit that it hurts me deeply to hear him say these things. I would give my life for this boy any day, without thought or hesitation. He really is the key to my happiness. Everyone says that he doesn't deserve me...that I could do better. I cant move on even if I wanted to, its just not that easy. I can safely say that if he doesnt come back, I will never be with anyone else...or truly be happy again. This sounds rough, but I know its true. I may learn to cope better, and have some semblance of life...but there will always be a sadness in my soul, and a piece of my being missing. Some days, I honestly wish I could just disappear. That I could erase my mind. The pain and hurt is honestly more than I can even describe. Its just a horrible sick feeling that never goes away. My heart tells me he will be back, but it still hurts. Every day, I have to surround myself with people...or I go crazy. I pace the room, I cry, I make myself sick. Its a horrible existance. I dont really think he thinks its as bad as it really is. I've been leaving him alone. I dont try to call him, or text him. Im hoping he will realize soon what hes doing. I wish I could just hug him...calm him down, and let him know that everything is going to be alright. Until then, I'll wait...

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HAPPYPHANTOM1978's Profile

Username: HAPPYPHANTOM1978

Gender / Age: Male, 46

Location: USA - Ohio