Empty's Journal

Nov 2015
5:37 PM MST

Today was like every other. I went to work feeling alone... wishing someone loved me. Wishing I wasn't so broken. I understand than no one wants to deal with me. As the day progressed...one of my coworkers came up and tried to get me to "make out" with him. I feel so dirty. I don't want to be touched like that. I want to be loved. I always push him away... but, it is kinda nice to be touched by another person. Lately, my mind has been really messed up. I feel overwhelmed by emptiness. .. I want to get out.. to feel better...I just can't seem to do it. My head hurts so bad mentally and physically.... I know I need to love myself, but i don't feel lovable...

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Nov 2015
7:40 PM MST

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I was at work, and i started crying uncontrollably. My boss came to me and told me I needed to quit crying at work. So, I said I needed to go home. My supervisor said I could leave, but handed me a flier for an employee assistance program. I went home, and called the number. They said they would call me back with a counselling appointment. I waited a little bit... then decided to take the pills.

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Nov 2015
4:35 PM MST

Today is beautiful. It's just the right temperature... slight breeze. I hear the neighbors going out on their motorcycle. I think of the motorcycle we bought... I really believed we go places together. Riding around with you made me so happy.I just want someone to care about me. That's all I have ever wanted... he says I live in a fantasy world... maybe I do. I just want other people in my world. I am careful not to smother them with attention. .. I try to make them laugh and feel comfortable... but, they never stay. I try not to show my sadness... my insecurities. .. my emptiness. ..I offer to help... I just want to be a part of something... I want a family. I want friends. When I think back... it has been like this most of my life. I don't understand why. I don't know how to live... and i am not good enough to die... I need help... but, nobody cares

Tags: community, Depression, internet

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1 comment(s) - 08:39 PM - 11/16/2015

Nov 2015
11:05 PM MST

Today is a little better. "He" came over this morning for a little bit. When he holds me, I feel safe... cared for... like I have a place. But, I know in my heart it is not real... and he will leave again.... I am not really anything to him.
I have made a decision to start taking better care of myself again. There is no reason why I do not go to the gym anymorw. There is also no good reason that my diet looks the same as a teenagers. I know what I need to do... and i know how to do it. I am the only person that can change where I am.
I met an old friend for dinner. She needed the conversation as much as I did. I sometimes forget that people enjoy my company.... especially when I don't want to be around myself.

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Nov 2015
7:58 PM MST

Trying to keep busy... pushing the empty feelings back. No phone calls.... no texts.... just alone... I rode my bicycle to the gym. I did not talk to anyone there, but i enjoyed knowing that people were around. It has been a while since I have taken care of myself. .. I want to feel better... I fixed some food... and ate it, by myself. I still feel guilty about eating alone... my brain tells me that nobody will love me because I am fat. I should be ashamed of myself for eating so much. If i had more self control, maybe people would want to be around me. I try to tell myself that I need to eat, that being healthy will help me feel better. It seems to be a constant battle. When I look in the mirror... I don't like that woman. I am starting to see my mother's features in myself. That terrifies me. She is a very mean and hateful person. I am afraid I am going to be like her. Back to night shifts this week. Maybe some sleep deprivation will help me clear my mind.

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Nov 2015
11:01 AM MST

I think i am getting better... and BAM! Something else happens. Being alone is hard for me... I don't want to do it. I just want a friend. ... anybody.... �but, now I am broken again. I can't stop crying... I don't want to live or die.. I just want to feel different �..I was looking forward to my psychiatrist appointment this morning... I got there... and waited... and waited. The receptionist called me up and said he was going to have to reschedule. .. I just cried... � she says "sorry "....
Sorry? That's it. � � I am sorry too. .. ��

Tags: Depression, lonley

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Nov 2015
11:30 AM MST

Again. He spends time with me... makes me feel special... always wanting sex. With promises of attention later. I know it's a lie. But, again I believe him. I want his attention so badly. I want him to care about me. I give in, as I always do. I want to be good enough. He meets me for breakfast. To break up with me again... it's like an additional torture. To keep telling me how it is not ever going to work.... making me feel bad about caring for him. ...making me feel stupid.. inadequate. .. he says he knows he is a negative part of my life. He is. He hurts me so much. And I keep letting him. I don't know why. I go home alone...I am angry.. Mostly at myself. He says I push people away. I am afraid. I can't handle being hurt anymore. I just want someone to hold me. I just want someone to love me...

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Dec 2015
1:22 AM MST

Another day.... I am really starting to feel better about myself. Being "mentally" sick is so hard. You can't explain it... you can't show it... you can only feel it. And the only people that can understand are other people in pain. I tell my daughters that I love them, and if I would have known that mental illness was genetic. .. and understood... I would not have had children... that I am sorry they also suffer. I spent a lot of time with "him" today. He is truly a jerk. I think I am finally getting healthy enough to let go. I just wish I had someone to cuddle with. I know it will come... but, I really want it now.

Tags: Hopeful, mental illness

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Empty's Profile

Username: Empty

Gender / Age: Female, 48

Location: USA - Arizona

EMPTY's Friends:
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