view member journals

My life changes fast. I hate it, I hate change. It makes me look back�on how things used to be and makes me realize how much older im getting and how fast times are going by. Its a giant mystery as to what happens after its all over. Is there really a heaven and hell? Is there just nothing? Maybe my whole life just gets rewound like a movie and is constantly being replayed. Is it possible that i could be dying right now but at the same time be being born? I dont know what to believe. It just makes life harder and more confusing than it already is to begin with.

My name is Steve, and I am an asshole. I don't like talking to people i don't know. People have always just come off as strange and/or stupid to me. I dont like thinking im above these people, or below them, but i hate to think of putting myself on the same level as everyone around me. Aside from my girlfriend, i seem to be the only one that's capable of taking a step back from everything once in a while and looking at how thigns really are. I dont like living in a fairy tale world. I am addicted to reality, so im sorry.

Love is a feeling people seem to not know a lot about. Love is a�terrible and horriffic thing. Your whole world becomes a world that revolves around the one you love. Your life is filled with the obligation to care for this person and please them before you please yourself. Make them feel happy no matter what the cost. You do these things for this person not becasue you HAVE to do it, but becasue you WANT to. With love comes hardships. Fighting. Arguing. Paranoia. Get used to these things when you decide to love someone. (although to be fair, you can't "decide" to love someone, it just happens) Yes, with love you wil feel happiness beyond any boundaries you previously thought possible, but it's not always going to be strawberries and orgasms. With love comes a lot of bad feelings and a huge load on your mind. But its a feeling i wouldn't give up for the world. Nothing can ever beat the feeling of being loved/cared for by someone, or the feeling of loving/caring for someone yourself. This person that you love, he or she will become your world. Love is nothing short of obssession, this person will be on your mind 24 hours a day. Love is a terrible horrific thing, but when you put those two words together you get terriffic.... just sayin'. Love is, the best feeling you can possibly have. Only the luckiest people in the world will ever feel what true love is. And it is one damn hard thing to describe.

Depression. It is NOT fun in the least bit. NOTHING is fun when you're depressed. Your life is your hell. Ending it would be nice, but then you'd just be another statistic. You'd be labeled as crazy. And if you fail at doing yourself in, then it just makes the rest of your life even harder. To be honest, ive never wanted to truly kill myself, ive always known that there's always someone out there who's got it harder than me, and ive always known that hard times come and go. Love can lead you to depression (it didnt for me, but it easily can happen) That's another reason why love sucks. If that special person were to walk out of your life and you still loved them, I'd imagine it's like a slingshot that shoots you ten times further into hell than you were to begin with. No point in trying to be happy, you'll just get shot down in the end anyway. Happiness is a pipe dream and dream don't come true. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing ever will. Life sucks, but somehow it still goes on..... (i've come close to losing my special lady so i've got a pretty good idea of how this feels and that's how my mind would think.)

Life is a hard and confusing place.....

This girl amazes me.
It's as if�I'm no longer awake, as if I'm stuck in a dream where something so perfect is actually possible, believable. I am stuck with her, and damn lucky for it. Without this girl, I would be fucked. She is all i have, want and need. Normally I'd hate myself for being so typical but in this situation i can FEEL it. Like something inside me is telling me to always stay with her and be by her side.�She has done far more for me than any other person possibly could EVER do. This girl is mine, and will forever be mine. Love is one of the greatest steps towards true happiness. True love is all you need to be happy. I am happy now. I was oblivious to the meaning of love and happiness before my world became whole. Now i understand that i was just incomplete before, missing something that was needed. Something i had never felt so strongly before. She gives me a purpose in life, she IS my purpose in life. We were meant for each other, meant to complete each other and live life together.This is something deeper than any temporary infatuation that momentarily grabs hold of you. No, this isn't me just getting caught up in the moment. This is something that everyone DREAMS of, something that hardly anyone is lucky enough to ever feel in their entire LIFE. This is what i feel true love is. This is what i feel when it comes to this girl. She is every possible thing i could ever ask for and i can never be more thankful that we found each other when we did.
This girl amazes me......�

I just opened my facebook a while ago. I was quite surprised when I saw 2 messages from my ex-boyfriend.�The first message said "I love you". It was kind of weird for him to send that message, since I knew, that he loves Ruth,my bestfriend and also my bestfriend.
The second message was more weirder. It says, "It's a waste. We can't see each other again. Can I still court you? I love you. Can you please come back?".� I couldn't believe�that he would write something like that. Then, I saw another message below. He said he was sorry for sending a message like that. His classmate was the one who sent the message to me and was just making fun.

The two messages were too good to be true. Well, at least, it's clear that he was not the one who sent it. Or else, I don't know what I'm gonna do to him.

12/12/09 7pm

Well, today I'm having some emotional struggles up and downs.� I've had moments that my heart jumps and think on how prior to exactly 7 days ago he used to always ask me if I still love him (constantly) and that If I was his, and I'd ask him if he's mine and that if he has eyes for me only or if he's always faithful to me while he's at work, he'd always answer yes and I'd always answer yes too.....� today, we don't care to ask that to each other any more.�

I found out he has been making "social" phone calls to different community hotlines for a while now..... when I first discovered it over 4 months ago he swore up and down that it was a co-worker who he was lending his phone to, yeah right!� I confronted him about a recent activity which happened to be on a day that I was visiting my mom who was sick over at a hospital which was over 1 1/2 hr drive.� When I discovered this he said it was not him, that the phone is acting up, he also did it during a day that we spent at DMV to inspect his vehicle to get it back on the road again.� WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?WHYYYYYYYYY????????????????? gosh, it hurts soooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He finally admitted it, looked at my crying and swore that nothing bad ever happened, that he never spent a penny on it., and that he won't do it again because he loves me, I believe him.�

I won't lye, I've been checking the phone records, no sign of daring calls like that, but then I wonder if he's using his business phone to do those calls, or maybe even meet someone physically or be with someone physically while he's at work, I worry so much, it's not even funny.� It's very very very hard to trust him again.

Can someone outthere gimme please some encouraging words.� I'm hurting so much, I love this man soooooo much!

�We listen to their cries of pain,

As we take the enemy's name in vein.

For they too think alike,

And release their rage with a terrible might.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Does peace not shed its golden light?

Instead we give eachother hell,

And along the way, others as well.

This war must end, some way, some how,

It must end not later, but now.

For in the end no one wins,

In the end it's only sins.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Is their no end in my sight?

Opening:

One little girl,

One little man,

On top of the world,

Holding hands.

Why didn't it,

turn out like they planned?

CHORUS:

How could you leave her,

dripping in tears?

How could you Tell her,

reality is her worst fear?

How could you say,

that she was you're mistake?

How could you dare begin to break,

her?

VERSE#1:

She's cold and alone,

she's far from home,

she loved him,

he said not forgiven.

CHORUS:

How could you leave him,

dripping in tears?

How could you tell him,

reality is his worst fear?

How could you say,

that he was your mistake?

How could you dare begin to break,

him?

VERSE�#2:

Backwards he bent,

to show her love,

to make her heart mend,

with his gift from above.

CHORUS:

how could you leave me,

dripping in tears?

how you tell me,

reality is my worst fear?

How could you say,

I was your mistake?

How could you dare begin to break,

me?

ENDING:

One little man,

One little girl,

No longer holdin' hands,

on different worlds,

Why hadn't it,

ended like they plan?

How long does one stay where they know they were not ment to be? How long does one go on missing the one who really loved them and protected them? How long does no trust in anyone last?