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After a very long hiatus, I am back to journaling.� I've kept journals since age 12 and have many, many notebooks.� It has been about ten or eleven years, though, since I've written.� Sometimes when I am too overwhelmed with my crazy life I get away from journaling and then it takes some crisis or big event to bring me back to it.� This is my first attempt at on-line journaling.

At this time, I am having several issues going on.� I am truly a stressed out mom, trying to enjoy my childrens' childhoods, but at the same time, dealing with some big issues with each of them.� These issues are really frustrating to myself and to them.� I wish I could be one of those moms who have it all together and are organized and have no real concerns about their kids, other than whose turn it is to carpool them to their activities.� LOL.

My youngest, who is 6 years old and in first-grade, has ADHD.� Her case is pretty severe, too.� We've known the diagnosis since she was in pre-K.� It was against my judgement to medicate her, but she does benefit from the medicine, as far as behavior in school and ability to participate and focus.� Unfortunately, it has been a struggle to find the right medication and now the right dose.� She gets side effects of belly aches, tiredness, obsessiveness.� She also gets a rebound hyperactivity in the evenings when the med wears off -- that's always a good time. We are trying a lower dose tomorrow to see if the lower dose twice a day works better than extended-release once a day.�

My oldest daughter, 16, suffers from an autoimmune disorder and deals with some issues that a teenager should not have to deal with.� She handles these by far better than I would have at her age.� She participates with activities in school and community.� She works very hard in school to earn good grades.� Academics do not come easily to her.� I can tell she sometimes struggles, but doesn't let on too much anymore, as she used to tantrum when she was younger.�

My middle daughter, 11, is luckily healthy and doesn't struggle with school.� She has no issues other than she has no issues!� That sounds redundant, but being a middle child between two high-needs kids is it's own problem.� She is a good kid who is artistic, but shy.� She doesn't have much interest in getting into many activities, unless her BFF is involved.� She gets angry with me pretty quickly when she feels that she is getting neglected, understandable.� It's hard for me not to take advantage of the fact that she is, �generally speaking, on cruise control.

My husband is a workaholic, but has to be.� We are struggling to keep this overpriced albatross called a house.� We are thinking about foreclosure as a very real option considering the amount of work this place needs and our negative equity.� It is a big decision and there are a lot of unknowns in this tumultuous economic time.

My parents and brothers are nutty.� At the moment, I am at odds with my parents and youngest brother.� Actually, they are not speaking to me.� Long story, and painful.� I sometimes think I am the "Marilyn" in the family of "Munsters".� They think that I am the weird one with the problems.� I sometimes have to remind myself that I am ok, I really am pretty normal.� I have to admit, I never would have thought that there would be a time that my family would be so filled with anger and conflict and that it would constantly be directed at me.� It sucks.

So, basically, my purpose for getting back into journaling is to work through these frustrations and hopefully, get control of my life back.� Sometimes I feel that the tail is wagging the dog.� My short term goal is to come up with some creative ways to deal with the holidays as a family outcast.� My longer term goal is to regain inner peace and acceptance that I need to find my own strength and no longer try to rely on my family for support, as they are not capable at this time of providing that.� I would also like to work on establishing more friendships.� It's hard!�