tiredofthisplace's Journal

Nov 2007
9:21 AM EDT

"So you broke down trying to leave town. I broke down crying apon your return...

Well, I know that no matter what my family says about me right now, I cannot let it bring me down. Like my mom for instance can only be upset with me over the pans needing to be washed...Still, she manipulated my words and started shit between Sara and I. An opportunity I never thought would knock on my door, is here this week; Thursday and Friday. I cannot afford to let them bring me down this week...If for this week, their thoughts of who and what I am cannot matter for I know I am better.

I must continue to remember to just breath. I know in my heart that I am on the right track for the first time in what seems like eternity...I know I cannot rely on a drink to calm my insides when they are in the mood to fight. Not now, not ever again.

I know I can't change them. I know I can continue to change for the better. I know the worse thing I've done so far this week is not picking up the kitchen. I am clean and sober, and will have been tomorrow for two full weeks.

I have this one last good fight in me to see through that I accomplish my dream...And, I know in my heart that my mom and sister will always drag me down if I don't stop trying to make them believe that I am worth more than they see. I just need to let go. I have what I need right now, and I know that they will be the ones to help push me over the edge and steal my last grasp of hope if I don't let go.

The future is wide open for the first time...I can't lose this. I can't lose my will to pursue my dream even if my first attempt fails. I've made it to the last interview and etc, etc...Because of me...I can't stop believing in God and myself worth.

I can do this. I know it. God willing, I will be able to walk away from their misery, and help ease the tension by walking away. All will benefit if I do. I can see clearly for the moment...And, I like how I see and well i cant stress it enough...I can't lose what I have found...Because I will lose this one last good fight I've found in me..w.

God will carry me through. I must remember that. I must not rely on my want to be in control because me in control has always gotten me in trouble.

I can do this. My future is open to the doors I've dreamt all my life. Its amazing what I have found when I had lost everything I knew.

Thank You God for letting me remember these things...I have to believe...

"So, You broke down trying to leave thistown.
I broke down crying on your return.
You left me feeling awful.
I will never see your face again.
You made for a bad lover's liver.
You sold all the covers and busted my head.
You made me, such an asshole.
I wish we never met...

I'm tired of being bored.
I'm through with the headaches at night
And, my hands;
They tremble like earthquakes,
Under the table, under the daytime sky.
GOOD FUCKING BYE...

When you lose hope
its hard to cope-
Watching the tyrany with sober eyes.
The day break and the sunsest-
All hours in between are spent murdering time.
You made for a bad lover's liver.
You sold all the covers
and fucked up my head.
You made, such an asshole.
I wish we never met...

I'm tired of being bored.
I'm through with the headaches at night.
And, my hands;
They tremble like earthquakes
under the table, under the daytime sky.
GOOD FUCKING BYE"

Alkaline Trio- Good Fucking Bye

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Username: tiredofthisplace

Gender / Age: Female, 38

Location: USA - Massachusetts

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