I feel so out of it this year. It's like I have to re-learn how to deal with pepople again. I don't seem to be able to react to people the same way I used to. It seems that I can't just fall back into the submission that I used to use up till now. I mean, I still feel the same way inside - I can't stand to make someone upset because I can't deal with people when they're upset. I've always been like that. I hate being put in the position of consoling someone who's upset. It just makes me upset in the process. It's like when C. used to call me all the time saying she wanted to kill herself, it would make me really upset and depressed. But of course I couldn't tell her that - then she wouldn't call me at all, and I'm scarred that she would actually kill herself in that situation. That's why I'm never really able to be emotional around people. I can't put them in the same position that C. puts me in. I just can't do that to someone else. I don't know if that has anything to do with my new-found unability to put up with other people. I always end up weighing the odds between dealing with people and being anti-social. I really don't mind being anti-social. But, I also like haveing connections with people. I don't know.
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