scarlett's Journal

 
    
21
Oct 2007
8:42 PM EDT
   

i feel...used. i do not want to be with him. i love him. but i want him out of my life for good. he is bad for me. he hurts me. i hate myself for staying with him. i hate myself for wanting to leave. i do not understand. i have no idea about what i actually want. if he cheated then i could tell him that i never wanted to see him again. i could justify never speaking a word to him ever. ever ever ever. that's all i want to say. i want to hurt him. i want to scream at him for all the hurt he caused. i want to make sure that he never comes back and i don't hear from him until the day he dies...and thenalli want a notification for a funeral that i will never go to. i love him and i don't want to. i want to be with him every minute and every second apart, every thought that he might be with someone else kills me and the chances of him ditching me again are so high that i can barely stand it. im out of control again. why? why do i always end up with this downward spiral? im a self-defeatist. only this time im throwing out as many safety nets as i can. i hope with every fiber of my being that they catch me before i hit bottom again. i have climbed too high to come crashing back down. i just cant let it happen. if it takes shrinks or pills or friends or blood or tears i WILL NOT let it happen to me. not again and not ever.
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scarlett's Profile

  • Username: scarlett
  • Gender / Age: Female, 35
  • Location: Bahamas
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    SCARLETT's Interests:

    About Me: Bahamian. Boarding School in CT. Davidson College.

    Interests: theatre. bio. books.

    Favorite Music: Anything.

    Favorite Movies: Requiem for a Dream. The Prestige.

    Favorite Television: L Word. The Big Bang Theory. Family Guy. Elfen Lied.

    Favorite Books: Everything.