redshotlizard's Journal

Sep 2006
10:45 AM HNT

Elizabeth fielding here. I wish I had someone that accepted me as me. I lost my best friend and I have lost my family. Is there anyone out there that will love me? I can’t find or think of anyone that could take me in. I am so sad that I could cry forever; I could cry my life away. I want someone to take me in so badly because my mother wants to throw me out of the house when turn eighteen, actually a month after. Therefore, I have until this upcoming December to find someone to help me. My head is spinning and I am getting migraines everyday, not normal and I know it. I am so depressed that I feel like killing myself because I know that nobody cares for my life so they wouldn’t care for my death either. My life sucks and I feel so confused. I need help but I don’t know where to turn to for it. All I can say is that it would feel weird if I lived w/ my sister Sarah because she has her boyfriend w/ her. I would feel left out and more like an outcast. I say this because she does things w/ her boyfriend and it is none of my business. I couldn’t live w/ my friend Marta because she lives w/ her child and she does crazy things. I would feel uncomfortable living w/ her. Even Megan because her brother lives there, her parents fight all the time and she gets into trouble going to clubs and concerts. I would feel wrong going there. I wouldn’t be able to be free if I lived w/ Jessica because if anything happened her mother would be calling my mother and it wouldn’t be good. Mrs. De Mello would make me pay for room and board and I wouldn’t have a place to sleep unless I slept on the hardwood floors or the couch. That would be wrong. I feel so blue and I want someone to say “Elizabeth you will be cared for at my place, don’t worry about a thing because you are covered.” But that’s a fantasy; I would never be able to find someone like that are you kidding me. My life is a living nightmare, I wish I were someone else that didn’t have a crazy family like me. I mean this for real. My parents are in dept and they have taken most of my money out of the bank and won’t pay me back. They are always fighting and yelling at me. They yell at me even when I do nothing wrong what so ever. Like the other day I was just making a bracelet and my dad started yelling at me. My mom got mad at me because I needed a ride to school and I forgot my gym clothes. I mean they get mad for the stupidest things in the world. They say they are under stress but they give us (the children) more stress than they have. They never show us love and all they show us is anger. It gets worse when dad calls us BRATS all the time and mother yells and yells. I cannot take any of this anymore. I do not deserve this treatment. I need to live my life the stress free way. I want to be loved because I haven’t felt that emotion in a long time. Ever since I was a little girl. My name is Elizabeth and I feel like my life is all in quotation marks because everyday is a struggle and very noisy. I need someone to love and care for me. I need someone. I wish I could have a boy to show this to me. Except, I don’t feel like I could be a good girlfriend. I want someone to want me and think the world of me. I want this so badly. I wish I could have this wish come true. Then I could stop flirting and have an experience of this in real life. I want love. I need love. I want it to be about us, meaning my boy and me. God why does life have to be so complicated? I don’t understand this. I want to die. Nothing good ever happens to me. Ruth, my sister, doesn’t even talk to me anymore and she treats me like I am worthless. Like I am meaningless because I don’t act like her. I am different that’s all. But no one understands that. Why doesn’t anyone understand that I just want to be myself and that is it? I don’t want to be you or her; I want to be accepted as me, myself, and no one else. Elizabeth is who I am and who I want to be. I wish good things happened to me like they do to other people. I hate life and feel like I’m worthless. Why me,huh why? ~Elizabeth

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1 comment(s) - 06:38 PM - 10/18/2006

redshotlizard's Profile

Username: redshotlizard

Gender / Age: Female, 36

Location: USA

REDSHOTLIZARD's Interests:

About Me: I love to read and write. I love to sing and I love to run. I love someone and hope to eventually get him to love me 2. I love you :)