pookiegooblebop's Journal

Mar 2009
8:21 AM EDT

A new beginning

I feel a big change happening over the last few days. Last month it was 8 years since my divorce. I realized that it has been 8 long years of really bad stuff. Depression, anxiety, financial ruin, suicidal feelings, lost my apartment, a lot of friends, even the most basic ability to take care of myself and my body is constantly exhausted and i get sick all the time. I even had to spend some time in the hospital for severe depression. I met some really really horrible people, and unfortunately got to see how unbelievable cruel people can be. I spent a few years being scared out of my mind and feeling like a I was constantly fighting a losing battle with life, people, money..and pretty much anything else in my life. I realized recently that I have been fighting very very hard for people's approval. I gave them so much power over me, and pretty much thought of myself in terms of how other people think of me, and that is such a dangerous thing to do. I realized that you come across some extremely hateful people who can sense that about you, and use it to their complete advantage...and I fell into their trap. I'm done. I am done fighting, and I am just walking out of their trap. It has never come to me as that simple, but now it is. I don't need anyone's approval to be who I am. Somehow, I acquired the mentality that I need anyone and everyone's approval for everything I do, and that without their approval, I am a bad person. Not sure if this came from childhood..but really who cares if it did. I grew up in a good home with parents that did the very best they could, and provided a solid environment for me and my sister. Nobody's upbringing is perfect. I realize though, that with that vulnerability, of wanting other people's approval, cruel people will exacerbate it, and use it against me. It's ridiculous. And it ruined my life, and it's not going to anymore. From this day forward, I am vowing to myself that I am going to strive to live in a way that I can live the life I want to live. I understand rules of the world, and I dont' mind following them at all, thank God I have a good heart and I would never seek to harm anyone. Beyond that, I am going to make better choices..for nobody else but me.

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pookiegooblebop's Profile

Username: pookiegooblebop

Gender / Age: Female, 51

Location: USA - New York