oconfessionario's Journal

Jan 2007
10:30 AM EDT

Here I am again, yet another online journal. There's no telling how many I have now, floating out there in the cyberworld universe... No matter. The inspiration is always novel (at least to me), and I am here to tell all, for once and for all, the daily thoughts, plans, dreams, ideas, rantings, etc. however menial that characterize my life on Earth. I'm hoping I'll be completely honest here, so that I can read over my words and decipher for myself what I think I should do or become or whatever other benefit journal writing has. The only rule is: Everything goes. Shall we begin? I believe that my fatal flaw is rumination. Not just on negative things, which tend to eat me away while I torture myself needlessly, but with positive things as well. Until I obsess and beat to death a dream or idea with the blunt force object of 'someday' thinking. I've realized, recently that the entire realm of the 'someday' does not really exist, and not only is it a pretend matter, but it is a cruel tease as well. People can be ruined by their dreams; I know this. This process can be summed up in one deceivingly beautiful word: disillusionment. Of course, ruminating on negative things is also terrible, while maybe not quite as bad as ruminating on the positive. It makes those stabs of physical pain all the more unbearable, heartache a precipice to suicide, self-doubt an undefeatable and grotesque monster. The point being, for the past several years of my life, spanning through adolescence and well into early adulthood, I have had a very strong but vague feeling that life had at some point become for my soul, completely unfulfilling. But until recently I did not realize that I truly was my own worst enemy, or those inner demons were (but in the end, I listened to them, so it was me that became the real tyrant after all). Rumination: to chew again or over and over. "I let the beast in and then I even tried forgiving him but it's too soon so I'll fight again again again again again" -Fiona Apple "We're human beings, not human doings" -Someone said, as referenced to me by my very kind counselor When rumination becomes a daily evil, it grows and festers until it inhabits your every waking moment. Before you can realize what's happening, your mind has been completely consumed with the waste of unappreciated ideas, life-solutions ("what was so wrong with my life in the first place?" you'll never think to ask), self-doubt, worry, judgments and is devoid of joy or any other remotely recognizable emotion. All of a sudden you've been completely stripped bare of what you never had to work for or think about or self-motivate for to begin with. I think it comes with the territory of leaving childhood. We think we must forsake all of our carefree ways if we ever want to get anywhere, become someone, do something with our lives. And that's where a foreign, but easily recognizable face makes his way in. The first demon of subtlety paves the way for the demon whose evil is apparent from any facet, and yet once he makes a home for himself, deep beneath your skin, by the time you've discovered another presence, the water is so deep and dark and freezing cold, that it seems, since you have no choice in the matter anyway, might as well take the plunge and discover that liquid submerged world below. Come on in, the water feels fine. I lay in bed at night, close my eyes, and try to find solitude from the menacing thoughts and circumstances I've conjured, all in mental picture shadowboxes, with their own completely separate connotations. All I can see in my mind's eye is a kaleidoscope of strange people popping up here and there, doing completely understandable but not quite identifiable things. Sometimes there are objects, environments, situations. To say the least, it isn't quite pleasant. To feel that I have no control over what comes in, because I certainly didn't ever see that person before in my life, how did she get there? Maybe... I've concluded, they're just my demon's other victims. While I'm content to lie in a bed for several hours rest, he simply plugs in a tape, a cinematic collage of all the different spirits he's tormented in a day, and is then free to torture others. Surely a demon never rests. Awareness, to him, is the brink of destruction. But the battle is never over, especially not while my lungs still pump air, my heart beats and my mind is washed over in experience after emotion after mental illness. I'll continue this train of thought later, when I'm feeling more in control of where it's headed. For now it's all a little too much for me, I write as I uncover all the mysteries plaguing my spirit, and I feel as though I've discovered too much truth for one sitting.

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1 comment(s) - 07:13 PM - 01/12/2007

oconfessionario's Profile

Username: oconfessionario

Gender / Age: Female, 39

Location: USA - North Carolina

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OCONFESSIONARIO's Interests:

About Me: I'm a senior in college, majoring in Spanish. I'd like to someday spend time in another country teaching English or something like that. I'm not really ready to graduate. I want to get a masters/teaching license first in TEFL. I started out doing Elem. Edu. but I don't think that's for me, I do want to teach though. For now the biggest thing, is figuring out where to go next!

Interests: Reading, writing, babysitting, walking, kickboxing, skiing

Favorite Movies: Amelie, Brokedown Palace, Shawshank Redemption, Sean Connery 007 movies, anything with Grace Kelly, lots of old movies on AMC, Edward Scissorhands, Matilda, Requiem for a Dream, 28 Days Later

Favorite Television: CSI Las Vegas, Nip/Tuck, That 70's Show, Unsolved Mysteries, Family Matters, Full House and the old TGIF show lineup (man I miss that program!) and of course, What Not To Wear

Favorite Books: God-Shaped Hole, The Great Divorce, The Screwtape Letters, Something Wicked This Way Comes, White Oleander, Patron Saint of Liars, This Much I Know Is True, The Arms of God

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