What am I afraid of and why?
I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid that I will end up alone. I have been hurt and I think part of me has come to believe that people always let you down.. they always leave. No one loves you enough to stick around or to stick it out. I guess because of that I push people away. I dont let them get close to me to hurt me.. I dont let them in.. I dont let them get to know me. As a result of this, when people do like me I dont think much of it because they dont know the real me, because I've hidden it from them. Every once and awhile I let my guard down,and spurts of the real me come out. Times like that make me wonder what is real about me. There is a part that is hidden, who I like to believe is the real me and then there is the brave face I present to the world. Yet, if that is the face that is seen most often, isnt it entirely possible that this new false me has replaced the old. Is�the new photocopied version the truth? Its hard to have identity and self worth when there are two conflicting sides. I guess because I push people away so much I worry that my worst fear will come true. People dont often surprise you and if I believe that everyone always leaves then most likely, they will. Loneliness is something I seek so often and yet its not what I want at all. Maybe more than loneliness, my worst fear is putting myself out there. Even more scary than being lonely and rejected is finding someone who wants to stay. I dont know what real love is.. I dont fully understand commitment and sacrifice.� I know what loneliness is because I've been there. Maybe my worst fear is the uncertainty of companionship. I'm scared to let someone get to know me because I worry what they might find.
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