On the outside I look like I'm ready for Christmas. I've got my tree up, house is decked out, cookies baked, menu planned for our holiday dinner, shopping is done!
On the inside I'm... uninterested? I can't put my finger on it exactly. I feel like I don't really care. I'm just doing it, doing the next thing that's expected. I don't feel the fun, the joy, the excitement that I normally would.
Last Friday night was very difficult.�Bear wanted us to go out for dinner. He wanted to try this new restaurant in town, I was saying OK but I was thinking- no thanks. I needed to eat something so I went but when the hostess seated us in the middle of a small dining room full of happy people, dressed in festive attire, laughing and enjoying themselves I suddenly realized I was caught in a nightmare. I wanted to holler at them. I felt angry that they were too close, too loud, too happy!!
Shoot, I had to get out of there, quick! I stood up, grabbed my bag and poor Bear knew if he didn't move fast he'd be dining alone. No explaination required, he always seems to get me. We exited and chose somewhere else to just eat - no festivities please.
I was having the worst time telling him how I was feeling. That doesn't happen to me. I've got an excellent decoder of my emotions. My feelings usually lay in plain view, you don't have to look hard to see what I'm going through.
There's just no way to find our way out of this sadness. Someone we love is slipping away from us and there's no changing that. Day by day we stand witness to a life draining away.
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