We went to see�Shirley on Saturday, I was dreading it. I woke up that morning feeling so anxious, I thought I knew something bad would happen but�I also knew I had to go - needed to go.
On�our walk we talked about our feelings with regard to her illness and ultimately her passing. He understands me, I don't have to go into all�of that�here except to say that the past has suddenly been left behind and in our visit I've seen what really matters.
When we drove up to the house I was happy to see that the garage door was open, his truck in the driveway was clean, and there he was, a wave and a quick smile. That image helped me alot, I knew there was some sense of normalcy in the house.
I don't want to get into every step I took while there. I just want to remember the awe that I felt as I listened to Shirley tell me her 'story'. She's got a kind of clarity that is allowing her to see what we usually are too busy clouding up our thoughts to see in our daily lives. Perhaps it's a protection mechanism that doesn't let us grasp our lives exactly as they are, doesn't let us see our lives in the present, I don't know what it is maybe just denial. If we're lucky we can see what could have been or should have been when it's safely in the past and too late to do anything about it. Then we make resolutions for the future - like, "Next time I'm not gonna let my heart get broken!"
Shirley has no blinders on, she's knows she's dying and has total resignation. She didn't make me feel sorry for her instead�all I felt was tremendous love and respect. As I�sat by her bed I held her hand and thought she never looked more beautiful.
She hopes to write down some�of her revelations, I�think that could be a treasured gift to her children. She told me a truth about her stubbern stupidity when she would never let my father go into the doctors office with her - she knows�her reasons for that were wrong -�she was wrong.�She talked about her wrong thoughts and words towards her son in law, she wants to take every word back, she was so wrong.�
We only had about 15-20 minutes together before she got tired and we said our goodbyes.�
I have no fear for her now, she's ready to move on and isn't going to waste these last moments. She knows what really matters now and when you're with her so do you, it's so amazing. I want to hang on to that. None�of us know what's around the next corner, we could be facing our last moments and wouldn't it be great to leave without regret.����
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