I just read the quote from William Ward (who's he?) and it�lent a�thought to me on gratitude as I was going to launch�on my thought/feelings�of my brother.
Am I grateful for him?�I guess I am, at times. Over the years I've thought that possibly my life�would be easier if he weren't born.���� Oh�man, that sounds harsh. But if you had the whole story you may think the same way. Right now I'm not feeling especially grateful to have him in my life. He's not really part�of my day to day because he lives too far away but he's in my thoughts alot. I currently have been worrying about him and get anxious if I think about him too much.�
I write to him but his responses are short and� cryptic. If I ask for him to elaborate or expound on a thought he says he can't, he often uses "I don't know" as an answer, this is a dead end. I believe he doesn't want me to know much about him these days.
"These days" refers to the time since his break up with Claudia. I'm assuming that they are still married but not living together. Claudia said in her last email that she's finding it harder to keep denying to herself that her marriage is over. She has people telling her to move on but she's not ready, 25yrs is most of her life and it's been centered on my brother - for better or for worse it was what it was.� Brother sent me a quote last week, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it", my understanding of that quote is that he's referring to how much he wanted out of his marriage and now that he is out he's not so happy about it. See what I mean about being cryptic?
I wonder how it would be if he were living nearer to me. With these many miles between us it's easier to make excuses for not communicating regularly with him. The distance has kept us from witnessing each other's lives so we only know what the other tells us.�Since his separation from C. I get two�different stories - to be sure! My belief is that he wants me to think/feel only a certain way for him. He wants me to unconditionally love him - nothing wrong with that I'm sure. He can't stand any judgement from me - gonna get some of that in life.�He has collapsed under my disapproval - he should have seen it coming.�
I bet he has a fantasy of how he is thought of by me and mine. As he has been so distructive to his family I would think that it's sad for him that I don't think/feel the same about him now. Which makes it logical that he doesn't communicate willingly these days.
Yep, I think I'm on to something! If I were ashamed of myself, my actions, I'd want to stay out of the spotlight. I guess I'm pretty important to him and he's doing what he has to do to keep his pride with me...
Interesting. Journaling really helps.
Add comment
